Now, I figured I’d just tell the truth given that I’m like good ol’ honest Franklin Pierce—I cannot tell a lie. And I also wanted to avoid vague generalizations involving past reasons I’ve been absent, such as:
“I had too much awesome in my bowl of Lucky Charms that I had this morning, and it gave me a tummy ache.”
“I actually got the sniffles from being too awesome. Don’t worry. It’s not contagious.”
“I got attacked by a squirrel.”
So, here is the real reason I was absent:
It all started with the munchies.
So, I wake up, alarm blaring, and I open my iTunes library to listen to some tunes. There I am, jammin’ out, breakin’ out the old school moves, shakin’ what my momma gave me, and then I think to myself “OMG, I should make some eggs for breakfast.”
I walk out of my room and over to the kitchen. I open up the stainless steel fridge, and what do I find? No eggs. So, I’m sittin’ there like “WTF? How am I supposed to make eggs without eggs?”
I’ve been on an all natural kick lately, so I grab my coat and decide to go find some wild chickens that lay wild eggs. Simple enough, I mean Bear Grills and Les Stroud make it look easy.
Well guess what folks, that shit is hard.
So, I grab my coat and start walking.
There I am walking down the sidewalk next to the street and I pass by Whole Foods and that’s when it hits me—you are never gonna find wild eggs around here Julia, duh. So, I decide to go into the woods.
Now, it just gets weird up in those woods.
I’m forging and bein’ all survivor and shit and out of nowhere this homicidal unicorn pops out of these rainbow colored bushes.
“Move out of my way,” the unicorn says. It didn’t even say please. Unicorns are pricks.
So, I sit there, snap my fingers, and throw an “Oh no you didn’t” back in this rude ass unicorn’s face. And I’m about cut a bitch at this point because I want some eggs. I’m cravin’ those all eight essential amino acids packed in one little round oval of awesomeness.
Now, I’m about to whip out my pocketknife and show this unicorn who’s boss, when a giant dragon lands right behind me and is all like “Unicorn, you me, let’s dance.”
I get out of the way because I don’t need to get into magical dragon-unicorn drama/gang warfare. So, I walk away from them and continue looking for my eggs. I never found them. It was sad. I had to eat pancakes.
Oh, and in that same day, I wrestled a bear, reeled in an angler fish, and I also pwned a seven year old at hop-scotch—yeah, suck it little Suzie. Bitch thinks she can start somethin’ and not finish it. I showed her.
And my dog ate my homework.
So you see, that’s why I couldn’t turn in that sonnet I was supposed to write…