I Make an Ass Out of Myself Regularly

Reality:


I went to the Culture Show at my school last weekend and completely made an ass out of myself by almost stealing a baseball from a little kid.  Now, now, hold your horses.  I didn't trick this kid by telling him Elmo was behind him, while snatching this ball out of his hands.  I'm not that cruel.

So, my friend and I, who for privacy sake we will call Gertrude, decided since it was our senior year that we should go to our first Culture Show.  We bought our tickets, took our seats, and started chatting, when out of the corners of our eyes we saw a baseball about two aisles down, just rolling on the floor.

"Look, it's a baseball," Gertrude turns to me.

"Why is there a baseball?  That's odd," I say.

This bald guy with glasses sitting in the front row, gets up and grabs it.  He sits back down, holding the baseball above his head.  He asks if it's anyone's for about two minutes.  Just asks and asks.  No answer. No claim of ownership.

Then Gertrude leans in and whispers to me, "Oh, that's mine sir."  We share a chuckle about it.  She then nudges my arm, telling me that I should say that to the bald guy.

Now non-senior Julia would of been like "No, I can't do that," but senior Julia was like "Ah, what the hell.  Why not?"

Not my ball.

"Um, sir, that's my ball," I say.


He throws the ball to me.  The ball is at the peak of its trajectory in the air.  Of course, right then, a mother with three little kids (the oldest was maybe four) walks down the aisle.  The oldest boy runs towards the ball, and the mother says, "Oh look little [insert whatever the kid's name was], there's your baseball."

Gertrude busts out laughing.  I don't catch the ball, and it travels underneath some of the seats.  Now at this point, I'm completely embarrassed.  The mother is looking at me funny, so is the bald guy.  So, the mother and her gaggle of kids walks away, trying to find the baseball.  The bald guy sits down next to his wife and says to her "Now I'm really confused.  Was it the little boy's or that girl's?"

His wife of course answers him.

"I think it was the little boy's."

So, the bald guy turns around to look at me one more time with a look of disgust and shook.  I, feeling extremely guilty and embarrassed, tell him that it was just a joke.

He didn't respond.  So, that is yet another incident to log into the "How I've Made an Ass Out of Myself" journal, but I cannot be held responsible.  Gertrude made me do it.

Yoga

Imagination Station:


Welcome class, my name is Dandelion Skylark and I will be guiding you through today's practice.

Now walk to the front of the mat.  We will begin in a simple Mountain Pose.  Pretend you are Everest.  Stand proud and tall.  Fell like a string is pulling up your spine and the crown of your head.  Your shoulders are back and down.  Suck in that gut.  Now, let's just stay here for awhile in this pose.

Feel this pose.  Feel your breath.  Feel gravity pulling you down.  Feel this pose.  Caress it.  Love it.  Flirt with it.  Now tell it that you've grown complacent with this relationship.  Let it know that you feel like you don't know who it is anymore.  Tell it that you want to see other poses as you exhale down into a fold.

Pretend you are like a piece of paper folding in half.  Let's just breath here for a second.

HE HE WHO HE HE WHO

A nice, calming, relaxing breath.

HE HE WHO HE HE WHO

Now we will move into Swaying Tree Pose.  Roll your body up one vertebrae at a time.  Place your arms into the air like you are reaching to give the sky a big old hug.  Now rock slowly back and forth.  You are a tree, swaying in the gale force winds of a steady summer's breeze.  You are in a forest, in a beautiful national park until some evil, greedy corporate assholes come and decide "Oh tree, you don't need to be a tree.  You need to be paper."  So they whip out a chainsaw and they begin to cut into your stump and all the other trees are crying and you're crying and your blood of maple syrup is spilling everywhere as you scream "Oh God, why?  Why me?"  And then these douche bags pull a total dick move and are all like "Die bitch die.  MU HA HA HA!  I have destroyed nature!"

Now continue swaying and move into Hello Sun Pose.  Reach both of your hands out an wave hello to the sun.  Greet the sun.

Hello sun.

Now greet the sunshine.

Hello sunshine.

Exhale as you go into another fold.  As your palms touch the floor, say hello to the ground.

Hello ground.

Say hello to the soil.

Hello soil.

Thank the soil for growing things.

Thank you soil for growing things like carrots, which are tasty.  But no thank you to tomatoes.  Those are gross.

Don't worry if you split your pants.
Yoga is about the natural flow of things.
Better yet, just don't wear pants. 

Now come down on the mat and move into Turtle Pose.  Begin by stretching your arms and legs.  Now slowly flap your arms and legs down.  You are a turtle.  A cute, little sea turtle, swimming in the sea, just enjoying the serenity and peace of nature.  That is until you mistake a piece of plastic for fish and you gobble it up, but it's too big for your throat, so you viciously and slowly choke to death, fully aware of the last moments of your life all because some dipshit decided to be all like "Fuck trashcans, that's what the ocean's here for... Bitch."

Now take some deep, calming breaths in.  Come back to Mountain Pose.  Stay in Mountain Pose.  Listen to the sound of your calming breath.

HE HE WHO HE HE WHO

Let that rhythm wash over you as you think about tightening and then relaxing all the muscles in your body.  Clasp your hands in prayer.

Thank you for joining me on this workout and spiritual experience.

Namaste.

Fight Fight Fight

Imagination Station:


Matt, our lead character walks into his sociology class a minute late, eager to share a story.

MATT: Wow dudes, did you hear there was a fight in the locker bank today?

Will comes strolling in behind him and slams his binders on the nearest desk.  His face turns red while he screams.


WILL: Yeah dude, this is officially the best day of my life!  It was so awesome!  OMG!  BEST. DAY. EVER!  Freakin' sweet!

Will takes a seat while Nicole looks up in surprise. 

NICOLE: What?  There was a fight?  Where?  OMG, how did I miss it?

WILL: Okay, here's what happened.  First, this girl comes up to this other girl.  This girl, who we will name Helen, goes up to this other girl, who we'll call Ashley, and is all like "Girl, oh no you didn't text my man last night.  I'm gonna cut you."  And then Ashley looks at her and snaps her fingers and is all like "Well bring it, because I happen be a black belt, so I'll chop your ass in half and then I'll shank you with a chopstick."

MATT:  No, no, no, you've got it all wrong.  So this girl Helen walks up to Ashley and then just slaps her, and Ashley turns around and says, "Dude, wtf?"  And then Helen says, "I just felt like doing something completely unnecessary."  Ashley throws her binder at Helen's face and says, "How's this for unnecessary?"  And they get into a huge fight.  I'm talkin' epic proportions.

NICOLE: Cat fight.

EMILY: What are you talking about Matt?  You're so stupid.  That's not what happened at all.  Ashley called Helen fat, and then Helen attempted to sit on Ashely to smother her to death.

WILL:  Guys, guys, listen up.  I just got a text from someone who was in the back of the crowd watching the fight.  Apparently one of the girls got tased.

NICOLE: WHAT?  O. M. G.

WILLIS:  Yeah man, she totally did.  I was walking by when the fight started.  They were pulling each other's hair and what not, and the lady security guard comes up, whips out the taser and tases one of the girls.  So this girl's shaking, because she's got electricity running through her, and her hair standing up like she's the bride of Frankenstein, and the security guard just starts laughing.

Willis poorly imitates an arch-villian's laugh.


EUGENE: What'cha talkin' bout Willis?  That sure as my momma's biscuits did not happen.

WILLIS:  Well your momma's biscuits suck ass.

EUGENE:  Well yo momma's fat and ugly... and stupid too.

RITA:  Listen, she didn't get tased.  The fight was about a guy, and one of the girls died.

NICOLE: Are you for real?

RITA:  Yeah,  I saw Helen rip off the horn of a unicorn that happened to be standing right behind her.  Then she took the horn and stabbed Ashley with it.  It was horrible.  I don't know how they're going to get that unicorn's rainbow blood out of the carpet.  That stuff stains.

NICOLE:  Not a unicorn.  This sucks.

WILL:  She died?  How did I not see that?  Not cool.  NOT COOL!

EUGENE: That's whack.

MATT:  You didn't see that dude because it didn't happen.  Rita is a liar.  Oh look, do you see smoke?  I do, because her pants are on fire.

RITA: You're an idiot.

CATHERINE:  Clearly you people did not see the fight.  First off, Helen was upset with Ashley because Ashley stole her AP Quantum Physics project and passed it off as her own.  Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to clone a blue whale?  No, I think not.  So Helen calmly approached Ashley with an ultimatum; she was to turn herself in for cheating or face public humiliation by being exposed in front of the whole science community as a fraud.  So, they played a game of chess to decide what would happen.  It was bloody.  Helen sacrificed her queen way too soon.

WILL: No, you're wrong.  I like the unicorn story, so sit down and shut up and I don't appreciate your all high and mighty-ness.  Stabbed by a unicorn.  End of story.

THE END

History in a Nutshell (Not literally)

Imagination Station:


I know many of my friends are going to be taking the APUSH exam in May, and given that I've taken it before, I decided to provide a little study help.  Here are some videos to help you understand history and that you can reference in your APUSH essays:

American Revolution:

Alexander Hamilton:

Jacksonian Democracy:

Civil War:

Immigration:

Vietnam:

Cold War:

Now you know everything for the APUSH test.  You're welcome. 

AP Environmental Science Prompt

AP Environmental Science

2011 Free-Response Question

4. The Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) on Alaska's North Slope is frequently in the news because petroleum geologists estimate that there are billions of barrels of economically recoverable oil beneath the surface of its frozen tundra.  According to a 1998 US Geological Survey (USGS)  estimate, ANWR could contain up to 10 billion barrels of technically recoverable oil.  Oil company officials advocate opening the refuge to oil exploration and the subsequent development of its petroleum resources.  Environmentalists argue that oil exploration and development will damage this fragile ecosystem and urge Congress to protect ANWR by designating it as a wilderness area. 

(a) The US consumes approximately 20 million barrels of oil per day.  According to the USGS estimate, for how many days would the technically recoverable oil resource in ANWR supply the total US demand for oil?

What the hell is this?  Numbers?  Calculating?  I didn't take AP Calc for a reason dumbasses.  This is AP Environmental Science.  Aren't you supposed to ask me some question about what we use oil for or what purpose do clouds serve?  Both are easy answers.  What do we use oil for?  Well, gee wizz, we use it to loosen the Tin Man's joints.  What purpose do clouds serve?  Entertainment.  Oh my, I think I see a cloud in the shape of an angler fish. 

(b) Describe TWO characteristics of arctic tundra that make it fragile and explain how these two characteristics make the tundra particularly susceptible to damage from human impacts. 

I don't like this question.  So, I'm answering my own.  I think we should save the tundra because with out the North Pole, Santa Clause would not have a place to live and he would die fat and alone because reindeer can't live in tropical locations and if they die, then Santa can't drive his sleigh which means he's not only out of a paycheck, but also out of a reason for existing.  All the elves would lose their job too.  Is crippling a local economy really worth drilling for oil so we can loosen the Tin Man's joints?  He doesn't even have a heart and he agrees with me. 

(c) Identify TWO activities that would be associated with the development of ANWR petroleum resources and describe a substantial environmental impact of each in ANWR.

Ow.  My hands hurt.

(d) Identify and describe TWO major end uses of the 20 million barrels of oil that the US consumes each day and for each use describe a conservation measure that would substantially reduce US consumption.

As stated earlier, we use oil to loosen the Tin Man's joints.  We also use oil to cook with, such as vegetable oil and extra virgin olive oil.  As for a conversation measure:

"Hey Bob, I think we should substantially reduce our consumption."

"Bill, I totally agree with you.  I've been consuming far too many donuts.  Any ideas on how we could consume less?"

"Why yes Bob.  We can just not eat donuts."

"Brilliant idea."

That conversation measures about two inches. 

RESULTING AP SCORE: 5

OMG BEST SONG EVER

Imagination Station:

OMG, like I'm so excited to share with you guys this like totally hip song.  I heard it and I just had to start snapping my fingers, 'cause it was that good.  Oh, btw, my name is Kelly, and I'm totally the most popular and awesome girl at my school, so obvi I have great taste, 'cause people with bad taste are not popular.  They're losers.

Anyway, I'm here today to talk about Rebecca Black's latest single and soon to be epic hit "Friday."

Everyday is friday when you listen to this song.  It's a great party song, while at the same time being an angsty teen anthem.  She discusses all problems that teens face.  Like rushing around in the morning is tough, especially if you are a girl and especially if you are a pretty girl, like me.  I have to wake up and then shower and then put on my makeup.  Then I have to straighten my hair and make sure my eyeliner is thick enough to make my eyes pop, but not too thick, because I don't want to look like a hooker.  Popular girls should look slutty, not trashy.

Then, like most of us, Rebecca goes to the bus stop, where all her like totally BFF frenemies are going to pick her up in their cool car.  And she, like us, must decide where to sit in the car.  The front seat?  The back seat?  Do you have any idea how hard it is too choose?  Totally tough.

Everybody is looking forward to the weekend and partying it up.  Every time I hear this song, I can't wait to go party and get totally wasted like any other wholesome teen.

Not only is Rebecca's song like totally awesome, it's also educational.  Because of her, I know that Thursday comes before Friday and then comes Saturday and Sunday.  Thanks Rebecca.  But I don't know the other days of the week, so you should like totally make another song.  "It's Monday, Monday, Mo-Mo-Mo-Monday.  Everybody's looking forward to school!"

Plus, she hangs out with cool older people that rap.  Like that's totally cool.

This song is the best song EVER!!!! <3

Reality:

Boobs

Reality:

Really?  Really?  Look guys, you aren't fooling anyone.  We women know you like to look at boobs, so you don't have to try and justify it with science, and I don't suggest going up to a woman, staring right at her boobs for ten minutes, and then letting her know that she just bettered your health or life or whatever.  It won't end in a chance to hug or motorboat her.  It will end with a slap. 

Here's what goes through a woman's mind when a guy is staring at her boobs:

Quick glance- "Oh, he just looked at my boobs.  It must have been an accident."

Another quick glance- "He looked at my boobs again.  He likes them.  I'm flattered, and my boobs are flattered too."

Yet another quick glance- "Aw, he's trying to hide the fact that he wants to look at my boobs.  How cute.  My boobs think you're adorable too."

Ten second look- "Okay, he's being more obvious about it now."

20 second look- "I hope he's still listening to what I'm saying.  I'm still somewhat flattered, but I'm starting to get a little creeped out."

30 second look- "My eyes are up here buddy."

40 second look- "WTF?  Is this the zoo and are my boobs the main attraction?  Words are coming out of my mouth.  Is he even hearing them?  I have important things to say damnit.  Important things about the shoes I really want to buy."

One minute stare- "Maybe if I cough or something he will look at my face again."

One minute ten second stare- "Ah!  His eyes are stalking my boobs.  Boob stalker.  Oh God, I hope this guy doesn't go home and build a shrine to my boobs."

Anything beyond one minute and ten seconds- "Fucking perv."

Now, here's what I'm assuming goes through a guy's mind when he's staring at a woman's boobs:

Quick glance: "Boobs."

Another quick glance: "Pretty boobs."

Yet another quick glance: "Me like boobs."

Ten second look: "Boobs."

20 second look: "Motorboat boobs."

30 second look: "Me take boobies back to cave."

40 second look: "Boobs."

One minute stare: "I want pet boobies."

One minute 10 second stare: "... BOOBS!!!!"

Anything beyond one minute and ten seconds: "Boobies too pretty.  Me can't handle.  Must touch."-Then the brain implodes or explodes.

Sterling Rambo's Playlist

Imagination Station:

WARNING: NOT FOR PRUDES OR EASILY OFFENDED FEMINISTS

As a man, it is our manly duty to have a manly playlist that entices the ladies. But then again, I don’t need a playlist to entice the ladies—I’m already irresistible. Here’s what I listen to with my woman:

Her: “You’re disgusting.”
Me, the man: “What? I thought you said you wanted to slow dance.”

Manly me: "This is my idol baby."
Her: "You're an idiot."
Me, manly man: "So is your face."

Her: "What are your political views?"
Man=Me: "You know what politics is?  But... you're a woman..."

Me, the uber man: "Honey, I'm sick."
Her: "Want some chicken noodle soup?"
Total stud muffin, a.k.a me: "No, but I think you know what I need WINK WINK."

Me, about to be a total man: "Honey, I've got a confession."
Her: "Yes?"
Me, the man: "Tina got a big ole butt, so I'm leaving you."

Best Country Song Ever

Imagination Station:

This is gonna be Billy Ray's next hit single.  I can feel it.  So envision him, mulletfied, singing this.  Can you say Grammy?

Yeeeeeee


Yeeeeeee

Yeeeeeee

Haaaaaaa

Ye ha

Ye ha

Ooooooooooohhhhhyeeeeehaaaaa

My girlfriend stole my trailer

When she done up an’ left me

Ooooooooooohhhhhyeeeeeehaaaaa

My dog’s name is Rusty

And my truck’s name is Steve

Ooooooooooohhhhhyeeeeeeehaaaaa

I got myself a four wheel drive

But that don’t do no good

Oooooooooooohhhhhhyeeeeehaaaaa

‘Cause my girlfriend stole my trailer

And she slashed my truck’s tires

Oooooooohhhhooooooohhhhhhh

Ye ha

So do the square dance

‘Cause you ain’t got nowhere else to be

If you’re anything like me

Trailerless, girlfriendless, and a whole lot of country

Ye ha

Oooooooooooooooohhhhhoooooohhhhh

Ye ha

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I’ve got me some overalls

And I got me some straw hats

Ooooooooooohhhhhyeeeeeeehaaaaa

I live on the prairie

Up in the middle of nowhere

Ooooooooooohhhhhyeeeeeeehaaaaa

And I fashioned me some grits

And then some leather cowboy boots

Ooooooooooohhhhhyeeeeeeehaaaaa

I’m just like John Wayne

Except my name isn’t John Wayne

Ooooooooooohhhhhyeeeeeeehaaaaa

Oooooooohhhhooooooohhhhhhh

Ye ha

So do the square dance

‘Cause you ain’t got noanywhere else to be

If you’re anything like me

Trailerless, girlfriendless, and a whole lot of country

Ye ha

Oooooooooooooooohhhhhoooooohhhhh

Ye ha

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Oooooooooooooooohhhhhoooooohhhhh

Ye ha

Sterling Rambo's Pick-Up Lines

Imagination Station:

Here’s my top ten pick-up lines. Be waiting to catch her, because she’ll instantly swoon when she hears your man voice utter those words from your man lips.


“Are you a hooker, ‘cause you sure hooked me.”

“How would you like to get Ram-boned?”

“Hey baby, I bet I got bigger breasts than you. No? Prove it.”

“Are you a mountain climber, ‘cause you sure peaked my interest, if you know what I mean WINK WINK.”

“Can I have sex with you? No? What if I paid you?”

“I’ll let you unpeel my banana if you let me see if your melons are ripe.”

“I work out, you work out. We should sexercise sometime.”

“I’ve got a Klondike bar in my pants. What would you do for it?”

“You don’t want to have sex with me. That’s reverse psychology. So now you want to have sex with me. Right?”

For you journalism nerds out there:

“How about you put your sexy quote on my nut graph.”

How to open a pickle jar for your woman

Imagination Station:

I’m a man, ‘cause I have an X and Y chromosome, and my name is Sterling Rambo (Oh, I can just feel the manliness drip out of those letters' manly man pores). As a man, I feel it is my duty to help other men become more manly in order to impress their female mate and/or mates. Here’s how to open a pickle jar for your woman:

1. Beef up—work out. You need to develop those man muscles of yours. Not only will you look good for your lady, but you will also be able to open that pickle jar.

2. Beef up—buy beef. You need protein for those man muscles of yours.

3. Listen to some motivational music:

4. Cardio. You have the heart of a man lion, so keep it strongly and manly.

5. Practice. Buy a few pickle jars and practice opening them in the garage.

6. Take a class. Find “How to open pickle jars” classes in your area and take one. Just tell your woman you are going to Home Depot. She’ll believe you.

You’ve prepared, but now it’s crunch time—your woman wants that salty crunch of a pickle, but her dainty woman hands can’t open the jar, but your man hands can. It’s your time to shine stud.

1. Walk in with swag saying, “Hey woman, I’m a man, and I’m here to open your pickle jar.”

2. Prevent your woman from falling to the ground, because she will swoon.

3. Open the jar.

4. If that, for some extremely slim chance, fails, reassure your woman that you’ve got it.
5. Open the jar.

6. If yet again, that fails, tell your woman that’s it’s all a corporate conspiracy to immaculate you.

7. Grow angry, make a Hulk face, and then smash the top of the pickle against the counter.  Erg.  You've got your man face on.  Rawr.

8. If your woman gets upset about the mess, just tell her that you know how much she loves to clean—because she’s a woman—so, you decided to give her a reason to do what she loves.

Congrats you epic manly pickle dominator.  You showed that jar who's da boss.