I’m a man, ‘cause I have an X and Y chromosome, and my name is Sterling Rambo (Oh, I can just feel the manliness drip out of those letters' manly man pores). As a man, I feel it is my duty to help other men become more manly in order to impress their female mate and/or mates. Here’s how to open a pickle jar for your woman:
1. Beef up—work out. You need to develop those man muscles of yours. Not only will you look good for your lady, but you will also be able to open that pickle jar.
2. Beef up—buy beef. You need protein for those man muscles of yours.
3. Listen to some motivational music:
4. Cardio. You have the heart of a man lion, so keep it strongly and manly.
5. Practice. Buy a few pickle jars and practice opening them in the garage.
6. Take a class. Find “How to open pickle jars” classes in your area and take one. Just tell your woman you are going to Home Depot. She’ll believe you.
You’ve prepared, but now it’s crunch time—your woman wants that salty crunch of a pickle, but her dainty woman hands can’t open the jar, but your man hands can. It’s your time to shine stud.
1. Walk in with swag saying, “Hey woman, I’m a man, and I’m here to open your pickle jar.”
2. Prevent your woman from falling to the ground, because she will swoon.
3. Open the jar.
4. If that, for some extremely slim chance, fails, reassure your woman that you’ve got it.
5. Open the jar.
6. If yet again, that fails, tell your woman that’s it’s all a corporate conspiracy to immaculate you.
7. Grow angry, make a Hulk face, and then smash the top of the pickle against the counter. Erg. You've got your man face on. Rawr.
8. If your woman gets upset about the mess, just tell her that you know how much she loves to clean—because she’s a woman—so, you decided to give her a reason to do what she loves.
Congrats you epic manly pickle dominator. You showed that jar who's da boss.