Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Professor Offers Techniques to Worrying Parents

By Soumith Inturi, a guest writer:

Children everywhere are running rampant as parents struggle to control their children’s unruly actions.

“My son hasn’t gone to school in three days,” cries one worried parent. “When I tell him to go, he just tells me to piss off.”

One pioneer, however, has developed various methods to rein these bucking broncos and make them obey their parents.

Professor Raj Varma of the University of Mississippi is currently researching in the exponentially growing field of beating children. So far, he has accrued 39 years of research, starting as a child growing up with his parents.

Varma’s parents did not hesitate to beat their children. Growing up in this atmosphere, Varma realized that children who received daily beatings performed 200 times better than the children who were merely sent to their rooms.

“I had two other Indian friends and both of their parents absolutely refused to beat them,” Varma says. “Now look where they ended up. They’re mopping the floors of my research lab.”

Varma’s mantra revolves around simple, yet efficient, techniques to overcome a misbehaving child and make him submit to the will of the parents.

“I guarantee these techniques will work 150% of the time,” Varma says confidently.

Varma offers four solutions for any situation possible. His first one, the hand whip, can be used almost anytime. When a child misbehaves, hold out a firm hand and flick the wrist at one of the child’s bared cheeks. According to Varma, this should immediately stop the child in his tracks. If not, he suggests repetition with added power, which can be provided by vitamins or steroids.

“This second technique can prevent anything from ever happening,” Varma says. “Just hit your kid when he least expects it. You’re kid walks in the door, then BOOM! Headshot! I call this one the Just-In-Case.”

According to Varma, the Just-In-Case prevented ninety percent of children from misbehaving. Tests are still being performed on the other ten percent.

The third technique, the Swerving Reach Around, deals with behavior in the car. Varma recommends reaching around and hitting misbehaving children in the back seat.

“To really scare the crap out of the kid, you have to swerve the car for effect,” Varma adds. “Don’t worry. This succeeds almost every other time.”

The final technique requires parents to always speak with an Indian accent when administering the beatings. Varma adds that if this technique is not followed, the child will regress after a day.

“Lastly, I also have my family’s secret technique, which has been handed down from generation to generation,” Varma says. “This technique requires the parents to be proficient with their kamehameha technique. First, you charge it up and unleash it while the other parent turns Super Saiyan and releases a spirit bomb. This succeeds without fail.”

Varma suggests parents follow these techniques to the word to ensure the survival and success of their children. Varma’s own children survived and became wealthy businesspeople and doctors.

“Beating breeds success and pain, but mostly success,” Varma concludes. “Without the beat, the children won’t step to your rhythm.”

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

How to Be Sexy- For Men

He's bringing sexy back.  And white jeans.
Imagination Station:

Sterling Rambo here.  For those of you who don't know me (though, how could you not) I am the manliest man of the male species alive.  If women are from Venus and men are from Mars, then I'm the king of a steriod filled mega man Mars.  Oh yeah.  And it's man hairy too.

Anyway, I've made it my mission to teach men the art of being men.  So here's how to be sexy if you're a man.  For you ladies, this will make you less attractive.  Sexy time:

1. Get RIPPED.   If your veins are not popping out of your skin when you flex, then you are a disgrace to the man world.

2.  Don't manscape. Allow that inner grizzly bear to come out. You're on the prowl, so look like it.

3.  Don't buy deodorant.  Let your man smell ooze out of your man pores.  No lady will be able to resist those pheromones.  Remember that deodorant isn't for after showering, it's instead of showering.

4. Buy some snazzy man clothes.  I suggest glitter.  You can't go wrong with glitter.  It will catch the light and not only make your eyes sparkle, but it will make your entire body sparkle.  You'll be like a disco ball of love that no lady will resist.

5. Practice your sexy face.  Yeah, pout those man lips.

6.  Practice your sexy dancing.  Shake what your daddy gave you.

7. Gel up that man hair of yours.  Women like perfect hair, and if it looks like your hair can survive a death match with a gladiator, then you're good to go.  If your bald, buy Rogaine.  Nobody likes bald man heads.

8.  Wrestle a bear.  It will build up your muscle strength.

9.  Now go get 'em you man tiger.  Meow.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Commencement Speech

Imagination Station:

Good evening ladies and gentleman.  My name is Tiffany, and I like have the extreme honor of commencementating this speech.

Webster defines graduation as an act of graduating, but to us, graduating means so much more than that.  We've like had great times at our high school, like the time sophomore year where Kelly totally thought she could steal my boyfriend and get away with it, and then I like slashed her tires.  And when she saw her car she starting crying, and then I went and told her that her boyfriend thinks she's fat and ugly... LOLZ.  Or like the time when the star quarterback asked me to prom by writing "Prom?" on  the windows in the cafeteria... ah, great times.

So, we've shared so many memories and made memories and memorized memories and like this is our last time we are all together.  This is kind of sad, but don't worry, because the friendships we've made will last a lifetime.  I consider you all my BFFs, even you ugly people.

When we're old and ugly (except for me, because I'm marrying a rich plastic surgeon) we'll look at these times and remember that these were the best times of our lives.  As we go forth into the world, we'll do great things because we are the future leaders of America or our state or of the great nation of Hawaii.

I want you guys to take a moment and look at the person on your left.  Now look at the person on your right.  That person may cure cancer or become a lawyer or own a successful business or be the prez or flip burgers at McDonald's.  We can all do great things if we put our faces too it.

So in introduction, where will you be in forty years?  What will like our legacy be?  Remember, it's not the end, it's the beginning.  And thanks for voting me your prom queen.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The College of Knowledge Wants You

Imagination Station:

After receiving a few creepy college letters/emails of my own, I've decided to write my own college letter to the youth of America.  

Dear [insert your first name because clearly you and I are on a first name basis],

We've heard you're an exceptional, bright, young student, and based on your ACT scores, you'd be a perfect fit for our university and I'm sure you'll find that we'd be a perfect fit for you as well.  We have a beautiful campus and great academic programs.  It's the perfect place for you to blossom!

Whether you're interested in law, physics, theology, journalism, or taxidermy, we've got it all and it's all just for you.  We look forward to you having a wonderful college experience here and spending your entire lifesavings on your college education.  Have fun with those college loans!

If you're still not convinced that you should apply, let me tell you why.  Okay, here's why: 1. Our school is amazing and you will have an amazing time here.  2. Smart people go to our school.  Well respected smart people.  3.  You'd look great in our colors.  It'll bring out the colors in your eyes.  4.  The people here are friendly.  You'll be instantly popular.

Anyway, I truly hope you'll consider our school.  I am so convinced that you and our university are such a super great match that I'm going to do something special for you—I'm waiving your application fee.  So don't delay, apply now.  You know you want to.  Go ahead.  Apply.  Now.  Apply or I will hunt you down and kidnap you and force you to stay in college forever. MU HA HA HA.

I think you'll be glad you applied here—I know I'll be.


[insert stamped signature because I don't have the time to sign letters]
Julia Nagy
Director of Admissions
College of Knowledge

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Reading Sparknotes

Imagination Station:

Go ahead.  Sing along.  

The book is summarized
My grade can go up real high
Take a look
Get the gist of the book
Reading Sparknotes
I can find anything
Themes to know
Symbols are shown
Reading Sparknotes
I can find anything
Take a look
Get the gist of the book
Reading Sparknotes
Reading Sparknotes

This will be the first episode of Reading Sparknotes:

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The More You Know


Every 15 seconds, a high school senior experiences symptoms of senioritis.   And every 15 seconds, a teacher is aggravating the symptoms of senioritis.  Drowsiness, fatigue, procrastination, lack of focus,  mysterious rashes... senioritis is no joke.  So, if you're a teacher out there who knows a senior suffering from senioritis, you can be the cure.  Make a difference.  Don't assign homework.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Dear U of M

Guest Writer:

To whom it may concern,

My name is Bartholomew. I am a senior at generic high school in City Town, USA. Since a very young age I have dreamed of attending the University of Michigan. My room has been swallowed whole in maize and blue since the fourth grade.

Today, however, my eyes may rest. The loud and annoying paraphernalia has been removed completely, and destroyed.

Generally, students write this time of year to express their ongoing interest in attending a university. My purpose is in fact the opposite.

I am disgusted at the way your institution’s admissions process is being run.  The spots should be awarded to the students most deserving, not simply the one who writes the prettiest e-mail, metaphorically connecting the campus to God’s pearly gates.

I have worked my entire life, despite the obstacles that have been put in my way. There are absolutely no grounds to deny me admission. My test scores are impressive and well above your averages. My GPA is spotless and filled with AP and Honors courses. My writing is phenomenal, and my abilities and ambitions as a student are unparalleled by any other.  Simply because I refuse to kiss the ground you walk upon, does not for a second mean I am ill-qualified to attend.

I am not the only one in this position. I have countless brilliant friends who are in the same position as I. They’ve been pining for admission from day one, yet for some reason have been unsuccessful.
I am not speaking for them, but I am absolutely finished with this process and with your university.  You have denied admission to some of the best and brightest and pushed away the students that can potentially improve our world.  You have upset, without grounds, the very people you claim to want at your sham of an institution. 

Unfortunately for you, I will most certainly not be attending the University of Michigan in the fall of 2011. I would much rather attend a university where my input is appreciated, my intelligence noticed, and I, as a person, am respected, instead of being recognized as an ATM with a number. 

The classes at U of M are gigantic, the professors careless. The environment is that of a diploma-mill, not one of a group of people who wish to learn.  Given the opportunity to re-do my entire application process, I would not even bother to apply. 

I could not be happier to be attending a rival school.

Good day,

Friday, April 8, 2011

Sterling Rambo the 3D Movie Experience

Imagination Station:

Hello, my name is Sterling Rambo.  If you're a lady reading this, then I said that previous statement in a highly manly and seductive man voice.  If not, then I just said it in a manly man voice.

Given my high manly status in society, I'm having a movie made about me.  Well, sort of.  It's in production.  By production I mean a half written script on my desk.  Anyway, I'm hoping to get Steven or Martin to direct it.  You know, the top dogs in the movie industry.  They own the video store across the street and they also happen to own a camera.

So, as I'm writing this script about me battling intergalactic space zombies and saving extremely hot chicks with large boobs, I suddenly think to myself, "What songs are going to be in the movie?"  Now, I'm musically inclined, but how awesome and manly my music sounds... some people have died from how awesome it is.  It's a condition know as Soundmangasmus de Man Sound, or in in layman's terms "Soundmangasm of Man Sound that Also Happens to Kill Disorder."  I just wanted to serenade you Trixi  Hot Buns.  I never meant for it to kill you.  *dramatically sobs manly*

So, here's what I'm thinking for the movie soundtrack:

Here's what the opening credits will go along with:

Any club scene will play this song:

This is for the dramatic shed a tear moment in the movie:

This is for the fast paced fight scenes:

This is for the final slo-mo dramatic fighting scene:

This is for the end credits:

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Prom Dilemma

OMG, I'm going to look so refined.  Totally.  Be
jealous, 'cause I'm pretty.  
Imagination Station:

Hi everyone.  My name is like Tiffany and I'm totally the most popular girl in the whole school, so there's a lot of pressure for me to stay pretty.  And like now that prom is just around the corner, everyone is expecting me to look like really cute... no, not cute.  Sorry.  Everyone is expecting me to look so hot that they feel less confident about themselves and so they can have yet another reason to worship me.

So, I got my dress yesterday and now I need some shoes to go with the dress, but I'm totally torn between these two totally awesome open toed shoes.  I like really need your help.

I went to the mall today with my BFFs and one of my frenemies (who totally thinks she's like the most popular, but is totally not because I have more Facebook friends and Twitter followers) and I saw two super cute shoes, like to-die-for kind of super cute shoes.

Now, I need to decide between those two shoes because I obviously cannot wear two different pairs of shoes to prom.  Like most people, I only have two foots okay.  And what I put on my two foots is important.  I can't walk in, and have people all be like, "OMG Tiffany, you look gorgeous... wait, what? OMG what fugly shoes.  Ew.  You can't be here.  You can't stay at prom.  You're banished!"

And then I'll be banished and have to wonder the streets cold and alone and end up in a forest somewhere and trip and fall down a giant canyon where I'll be attacked by a rabid squirrel.  I'm too pretty to have that happen.  That only happens to ugly geeks, not pretty people.

Here's the first shoe option.
Here's the other option.  

So, option number one is a red shoe to match exactly with my red dress.  I love the heart.  It's totally fun and cute and says "OMG, I'm like fun and cute, so be jealous ugly people.  LOLZ."  And best of all, the heart has been dipped in glitter, so when it hits the light, it's going to break it.  

The other option are these super sexy clear high heels that have a classy touch.  How much more classy can you get than dice and chips?  Not any classier.  They look really great on me and give me such a nice height boost.

Originally, I thought I could solve this problem real easy.  My mommy always told me that if the shoe fits, wear it, but both of them fit...  Anyway, here's the problem I face.  One shouts, "OMG, I'm like cool and fun and sweet."  The other shouts, "OMG, I'm totally sexy and classy and fierce."  So what look should I go for?  Should I follow my heart or my head?  Wait, do I even have a head?  Oh, I thought it was just called a face.  LOL.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Unicorns Poop Rainbows-Yes They Can

Imagination Station:

The video is actually real.

0:01- Okay, this video looks inspirational.  It feels inspirational.  It tastes inspirational.  It is inspirational.

0:12- Yeah man, break out that beautiful red, white, and blue. *sheds patriotic tear*

0:14- That doesn’t seem friendly.

0:17- OH, champagne… yummy.

0:24- Obama plays soccer?

0:29-0:30- Bastard.  How dare he take a break.  HOW DARE HE!!!!

0:36- Ew.  It’s a Jonas brother.

0:38- WTF?

0:41- Kansas, really?  What a horrible choice.  I would have gone with… some other basketball team… if I knew anything about basketball that is.

0:48- LIAR!  How can you even look at yourself in the mirror?

0:53- Obama’s lost my vote.