Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Trapped in a Sea of Giant Crabs

Imagination Station:

Sterling Rambo has a manly man adventure, because he's a man.

My name is Sterling Rambo, and I'm a man.  Yes ladies, a hunky, sexy piece of American man beef equipped with two guns: the left and the right bicep.  And those guns saved my life when I went out on a date with Bunny Sexton to a quant little marsh.

We (Bunny, Bunny's bountiful bosoms, and I) were having a swell time at the marsh.  She wore khaki booty shorts and a red top that showed off the twins.  I wore pants and no shirt.  Why?  It was hot out, and I'm hot because I have massive amounts of man muscle and man hair.  Testosterone is my middle name.  No.  Actually it's not.  It's Wilbur.

Anyway, I was just about to close the deal with Bunny (she promised to give me a signed poster of my man idol Ricky Martin), when out of no where, giant crabs attacked us.

"Oh Sterling," Bunny moaned.  "Help me.  These giant crabs are attacking me.  Oh, I must put my hand near my face and look dramatically towards you to plead for help with my eyes."

"Bunny, don't fret, I'll hop over there and save you," I said, running in manly slow motion to get to her.

"Oh hurry Sterling.  These crabs are about to rip all my clothes off," Bunny cried.

I paused for a moment.  "My God," I looked at her.  "All of your clothes?"

"Yes Sterling.  Every shred."

"My God, how dare they," I cocked my pistol.  "I won't let those crabs defile you.  That's my manly man job."

I continued running in slow motion towards her, firing my pistol as I shook my manly man head so my manly mane could billow in the breeze.

Bang.  Bang.  Pow.  Zip.  Splat.  Bang.  Bzz.  Tzz.  Bang.  Boom.  

And it was all over.  The crabs were gone, but so was Bunny.  I got to her too late.  The crabs had killed her.  It was sad and almost brought a man tear to my eye, but luckily that whole escapade didn't make me late for my date with Savannah Michaels.

Anyway, there is a manly moral to this manly story about manly hero-ness:  Crabs kill.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Tiny Thoughts With Tiffany 2

Imagination Station:

Every Tuesday, Tiffany, the most popular girl at her school, shares her thoughts of the day.  Some are funny, others serious, but they are always poignant and deep. 

So like hey guys, it’s Tiffany again, and I’ve got like another tiny thought for Tuesday, so like be super excited to hear it.  Are you super excited to hear it?  Okay, good.  

So, I was totally skipping school today because it was a school day, and I think like learning is stupid.  I'm already educationed.  The way I see it, there are two goals to school.  One is being literate, which I can totally read.  I read Seventeen Magazine all the time.  The other is basic adding.  One plus one equals eleven.  High five to myself for my awesome math skills.

Anyway, since I already learneded stuff, I went to my friend Ashley's house and hung out there.  She has an aquarium with fish.  I thought that was not cool, so I told Ashley that having an aquarium was animal abuse.

And then she said, "Like why do you think that?"

And then I was like, "Ashley, like OMG, are you for realz?  Like you're drowning your fish."

And then she was like, "Oh, but Tiffany, fish live in water."

But then I was like, "BS Ashley.  If they live underwater, then how can they breath?"

Ashley totally took a pensive pause at this pivotal poignant moment. (OMG, like thumbs up for my alliterizing skills.  I knew I skipped English class for a reason.)  Then she said, "IDK Tiffany, you should google it."

We totally googled it.  Apparently, fish have gills.  

That was my thought for the day.  Glad you guys enjoyed it.  Stay pretty my pretty people.  Oh, but if you're ugly, get pretty and then stay pretty.  

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Interview Dos and Don'ts

Imagination Station:

Do you have an interview, but not the skills do well in that interview?  Well, you've come to the right place.  Learn the dos and don'ts of interviewing so you can make an impression and get that job!


1. Behave like a pretentious ass.  This will show your leadership skills off nicely.  You may even be promoted to CEO instantly.

2. Come with gifts/large sums of money.  It's not bribery if you call it a present.
This look is perfect for
the office.  Not too much
skin is showing.  Very
classy.  You'll totally nail
that interview. 

3. Look classy.

4. When they ask you how you would perform day to day operations, tell them you would do things "like a boss."

5. When they ask you what your most negative quality is, tell them it's your "need to be perfect" or that you're a "workaholic."  Just be careful not to confuse workaholic with alcoholic.

6. Beg for the job.  Tell them the sad story about your mom in the hospital and your kids having to fight children on the street for breadcrumbs.  Even if it isn't true, tell them anyways.  People love stories.

7.  Use big words.  It will make you sound intelligent.  Don't know what ubiquitous means?  Neither will they.

8.  Speak in a British accent.

9.  Talk about your achievements.  Don't have any?  Make them up.  Remember when you recently won the [insert random letters and pretend they stand for an important organization's name] Most Awesomest Person of the Century?  Sure you do.

You look like a hooker.
What were you thinking?

1.  Don't prepare for the interview.

2.  Don't tell the truth.  Honesty isn't the best policy.

3.  Don't wear yellow.

4.  Don't act respectfully.  You need to establish yourself as the alpha dog, and not the pussy cat.

5.  Don't dress slutty.

6.  Don't listen to what the person interviewing you is saying.  It doesn't matter what they ask.  It just matters how you answer.