SIBERIA—“Yellow snow is not pee,” Dr. Walter T. Furtler said in a press conference on Feb. 27.
The bombshell was dropped after twenty years of research on the correlation between yellow snow and pee by the Yellow Snow Institute.
“My mommy always told me not to eat yellow snow,” Timmy Fox, an eight year old Siberian boy said. “But now I can eat it? I’m so confused.”
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| This should now read "Do eat yellow snow! It's probably just lemonade!!!!! YAY!!!" |
“We found in much of our research that only about .01 percent of yellow snow contained urine,” Furtler said. “I understand why this could come as a shock to many people. We’ve all been taught, myself included, not to eat yellow snow, but you can eat it. We are breaking social norms.”
Yellow snow eating has been deemed safe by the US Surgeon General Dick Ingel given the recent scientific research results.
“Yellow snow is safe to eat,” Ingel said. “Most likely the yellow snow is yellow because somebody put food coloring on it or spilled lemonade.”
Food coloring caused 30 percent of the yellow snow, while spilled lemonade attributed to 85 percent of the yellow snow, according to Furtler.
“Lemonade is a popular winter drink,” Furtler said. “One minute you’re walking along, enjoying a tart drink, the next minute your face is on the ground and your lemonade has created yellow snow. It’s the miracle of science.”
Shaved ice vendors across the country are rejoicing about 'the miracle of science.'
“Do you realize how easy that makes my job now?” Laz Yass said. “All I have to do now is go outside and scoop out yellow snow and I can sell that stuff. Who doesn’t want yellow snow now? I’m not disputing that science.”
Furtler doesn’t expect his findings disputed by the professional community either.
“It makes sense,” Furtler said. “Honestly, what’s the likelihood that yellow snow is actually peed on snow… slim to none. A lemonade spillage is far more likely. So, go forth and eat yellow snow.”
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