Tuesday, February 8, 2011

How to Woo Your Woman on a First Date

Imagination Station:
If you are unfamiliar with Sterling Rambo, first read "Chewed to Bits by Giant Turtles."

Sterling Rambo again, here to give you a tip or two about the ladies, ‘cause I’m a hit with them, ‘cause I’m a man. I’m a master at dating, wooing, and all other sorts of arts and crafts, ‘cause a manly man knows he needs to be a jack of all trades, even if his name isn’t Jack, which mine isn’t. Mine’s Sterling. Anyway, enough about me (even though we all know the ladies can’t get enough), here’s your how to as to how to woo your woman on a first date:

1) Set up a reservation at a fancy restaurant, ‘cause you’re a classy manly man.

2) Go to the grocery store and buy her some flowers. Some red roses.  The cheapest ones you can find.

3) Pick her up from her house. Compliment her, like “Oh my, you have a nice face” or “Wow, great rack.” Chicks dig compliments.

4) Take her to dinner. Suggest she eats a salad with avocado. Why? Well, you don’t want your woman to get fat, hence the salad. And avocado? That’s an aphrodisiac. That’s gonna come in handy later. WINK WINK.

5) When the bill comes, suggest she pays.

6) Drive back to your place and invite her up for “a cup of coffee.”

7) Once inside your place, light some candles.

8) Offer to take her coat off for her.

9) Excuse yourself and go to your closet. Get that pink Speedo and wear it… just that. The pinkness of the pink shows you aren’t afraid to be sensitive. The Speedo part of the Speedo reveals your man abs and that bushel of manly chest hair growing off your man pectorals.  How can she resist your honey bunches of oates and tiny oat clusters now?

10) Go back into the living room where you left your woman. With one arm, flex your bicep. With the other, play this:

11) Subtle, no?

12) Sit next to your woman on the couch. Invite her to get it on with you.

13) Congrats on your first date success, you delicious manly honey bunches of oates with oat clusters.


  1. what should i wear to the restaurant??

  2. Well, if you are bold and have manly man abs of steel, then go with a manly Speedo or embrace your more fashionable side and bedazzle it.

  3. Omg I just have to say this is way too funny. I really hope you keep this up everyday.
    your friend,
    Sluts and Whores ;)

  4. Ohohoho. Darling, you make me chuckle. Bedazzled pink speedos indeed.

    -Your perverted soulmate
    P.S. STOP STARING DEEPLY INTO THE EYES OF MY PROFILE PICTURE. You're scaring the little children.