Matt, our lead character walks into his sociology class a minute late, eager to share a story.
MATT: Wow dudes, did you hear there was a fight in the locker bank today?
Will comes strolling in behind him and slams his binders on the nearest desk. His face turns red while he screams.
WILL: Yeah dude, this is officially the best day of my life! It was so awesome! OMG! BEST. DAY. EVER! Freakin' sweet!
Will takes a seat while Nicole looks up in surprise.
NICOLE: What? There was a fight? Where? OMG, how did I miss it?
WILL: Okay, here's what happened. First, this girl comes up to this other girl. This girl, who we will name Helen, goes up to this other girl, who we'll call Ashley, and is all like "Girl, oh no you didn't text my man last night. I'm gonna cut you." And then Ashley looks at her and snaps her fingers and is all like "Well bring it, because I happen be a black belt, so I'll chop your ass in half and then I'll shank you with a chopstick."
MATT: No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. So this girl Helen walks up to Ashley and then just slaps her, and Ashley turns around and says, "Dude, wtf?" And then Helen says, "I just felt like doing something completely unnecessary." Ashley throws her binder at Helen's face and says, "How's this for unnecessary?" And they get into a huge fight. I'm talkin' epic proportions.
NICOLE: Cat fight.
EMILY: What are you talking about Matt? You're so stupid. That's not what happened at all. Ashley called Helen fat, and then Helen attempted to sit on Ashely to smother her to death.
WILL: Guys, guys, listen up. I just got a text from someone who was in the back of the crowd watching the fight. Apparently one of the girls got tased.
NICOLE: WHAT? O. M. G.
WILLIS: Yeah man, she totally did. I was walking by when the fight started. They were pulling each other's hair and what not, and the lady security guard comes up, whips out the taser and tases one of the girls. So this girl's shaking, because she's got electricity running through her, and her hair standing up like she's the bride of Frankenstein, and the security guard just starts laughing.
Willis poorly imitates an arch-villian's laugh.
EUGENE: What'cha talkin' bout Willis? That sure as my momma's biscuits did not happen.
WILLIS: Well your momma's biscuits suck ass.
EUGENE: Well yo momma's fat and ugly... and stupid too.
RITA: Listen, she didn't get tased. The fight was about a guy, and one of the girls died.
NICOLE: Are you for real?
RITA: Yeah, I saw Helen rip off the horn of a unicorn that happened to be standing right behind her. Then she took the horn and stabbed Ashley with it. It was horrible. I don't know how they're going to get that unicorn's rainbow blood out of the carpet. That stuff stains.
NICOLE: Not a unicorn. This sucks.
WILL: She died? How did I not see that? Not cool. NOT COOL!
EUGENE: That's whack.
MATT: You didn't see that dude because it didn't happen. Rita is a liar. Oh look, do you see smoke? I do, because her pants are on fire.
RITA: You're an idiot.
CATHERINE: Clearly you people did not see the fight. First off, Helen was upset with Ashley because Ashley stole her AP Quantum Physics project and passed it off as her own. Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to clone a blue whale? No, I think not. So Helen calmly approached Ashley with an ultimatum; she was to turn herself in for cheating or face public humiliation by being exposed in front of the whole science community as a fraud. So, they played a game of chess to decide what would happen. It was bloody. Helen sacrificed her queen way too soon.
WILL: No, you're wrong. I like the unicorn story, so sit down and shut up and I don't appreciate your all high and mighty-ness. Stabbed by a unicorn. End of story.