Professor Offers Techniques to Worrying Parents

By Soumith Inturi, a guest writer:

Children everywhere are running rampant as parents struggle to control their children’s unruly actions.

“My son hasn’t gone to school in three days,” cries one worried parent. “When I tell him to go, he just tells me to piss off.”

One pioneer, however, has developed various methods to rein these bucking broncos and make them obey their parents.

Professor Raj Varma of the University of Mississippi is currently researching in the exponentially growing field of beating children. So far, he has accrued 39 years of research, starting as a child growing up with his parents.

Varma’s parents did not hesitate to beat their children. Growing up in this atmosphere, Varma realized that children who received daily beatings performed 200 times better than the children who were merely sent to their rooms.

“I had two other Indian friends and both of their parents absolutely refused to beat them,” Varma says. “Now look where they ended up. They’re mopping the floors of my research lab.”

Varma’s mantra revolves around simple, yet efficient, techniques to overcome a misbehaving child and make him submit to the will of the parents.

“I guarantee these techniques will work 150% of the time,” Varma says confidently.

Varma offers four solutions for any situation possible. His first one, the hand whip, can be used almost anytime. When a child misbehaves, hold out a firm hand and flick the wrist at one of the child’s bared cheeks. According to Varma, this should immediately stop the child in his tracks. If not, he suggests repetition with added power, which can be provided by vitamins or steroids.

“This second technique can prevent anything from ever happening,” Varma says. “Just hit your kid when he least expects it. You’re kid walks in the door, then BOOM! Headshot! I call this one the Just-In-Case.”

According to Varma, the Just-In-Case prevented ninety percent of children from misbehaving. Tests are still being performed on the other ten percent.

The third technique, the Swerving Reach Around, deals with behavior in the car. Varma recommends reaching around and hitting misbehaving children in the back seat.

“To really scare the crap out of the kid, you have to swerve the car for effect,” Varma adds. “Don’t worry. This succeeds almost every other time.”

The final technique requires parents to always speak with an Indian accent when administering the beatings. Varma adds that if this technique is not followed, the child will regress after a day.

“Lastly, I also have my family’s secret technique, which has been handed down from generation to generation,” Varma says. “This technique requires the parents to be proficient with their kamehameha technique. First, you charge it up and unleash it while the other parent turns Super Saiyan and releases a spirit bomb. This succeeds without fail.”

Varma suggests parents follow these techniques to the word to ensure the survival and success of their children. Varma’s own children survived and became wealthy businesspeople and doctors.

“Beating breeds success and pain, but mostly success,” Varma concludes. “Without the beat, the children won’t step to your rhythm.”