Saturday, April 16, 2011

The College of Knowledge Wants You

Imagination Station:

After receiving a few creepy college letters/emails of my own, I've decided to write my own college letter to the youth of America.  

Dear [insert your first name because clearly you and I are on a first name basis],

We've heard you're an exceptional, bright, young student, and based on your ACT scores, you'd be a perfect fit for our university and I'm sure you'll find that we'd be a perfect fit for you as well.  We have a beautiful campus and great academic programs.  It's the perfect place for you to blossom!

Whether you're interested in law, physics, theology, journalism, or taxidermy, we've got it all and it's all just for you.  We look forward to you having a wonderful college experience here and spending your entire lifesavings on your college education.  Have fun with those college loans!

If you're still not convinced that you should apply, let me tell you why.  Okay, here's why: 1. Our school is amazing and you will have an amazing time here.  2. Smart people go to our school.  Well respected smart people.  3.  You'd look great in our colors.  It'll bring out the colors in your eyes.  4.  The people here are friendly.  You'll be instantly popular.

Anyway, I truly hope you'll consider our school.  I am so convinced that you and our university are such a super great match that I'm going to do something special for you—I'm waiving your application fee.  So don't delay, apply now.  You know you want to.  Go ahead.  Apply.  Now.  Apply or I will hunt you down and kidnap you and force you to stay in college forever. MU HA HA HA.

I think you'll be glad you applied here—I know I'll be.


[insert stamped signature because I don't have the time to sign letters]
Julia Nagy
Director of Admissions
College of Knowledge

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