Future Husband, I suggest you get a pen and some paper. You’ll want to take notes.
Dear Future Husband,
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not leaving the proposal up to you. I’m sorry. I already have proposal options worked out. I’ll let you talk and write your little speech and fumble over your words, because that’s adorable. However, I will give you options for the location, the atmosphere. I will not tell you this in person. That would make me seem controlling. That’s why you’re reading this, so you know exactly what to do.
1. Take me to Paris to propose to me. I’d love to go to Paris, but not under those circumstances. It’s cliché. And I hate clichés. You’ll know this. So, I don’t want to end up in Paris at the top of the Eiffel Tower sitting at this romantic dinner with some incense burning and a single rose on the table. No. Don’t do it. I will say no and direct you to this blog.
2. Take me out to a picnic by the river. Or, any picnic for that matter. Knowing my luck, you’ll pick a windy day. I’ll be wearing a spaghetti-strap, red sundress that will flash everyone every nine seconds. It will end badly. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it though. Also, ants. Ants aren’t romantic. You don’t go into Hallmark and find a card under “That Special Someone” section that says “Ant love grand?” No. Ok? And ants crawling up my dress won’t stir up romantic feelings.
3. Propose to me on Valentine’s Day. Clichés. We talked about this.
4. And if you do this so help me, I will do something bad. I haven’t figured out what yet, but it will be bad. Do not. I repeat. Do not propose to me in a nonchalant fashion. I don’t want to sit on the couch next to you watching a rerun of the season two finale of Top Chef with Marcel and his little failed vinaigrette experiment and you turning to me and saying, “Hey, want to get married?” I will hurt you.
1. Take me to the National Archives and propose to me in front of the Declaration of Independence. Figure out a way to clear out that section beforehand. I don’t want you to be in the middle of your speech and some eighth grader whines, “This so freakin’ stupid.” Take me to the document and explain all the little historical facts you learned about it so you could impress me. Wrap your arm around my waist as you whisper in my ear, “I knew you’d like seeing it.” Let your chin rest on my shoulder as you tell me you love me. Then propose. I will say yes.
2. Take me to the National Archives and propose to me in front of the Declaration of Independence.
Well, I’m glad we had this chat.
Your Future Wife