Monday, August 16, 2010

I Have a Venomous Tail...SWEET!


Who knows me the best? Parents? No. Friends? No. Myself? Hell no. Oh, I got it! What about a zodiac site that bases all its information on the sound science of astrology? Damn I’m smart.

Clearly, I’m not the upmost authority on myself, so I ventured to Astrology Online to tell me who I am. I learned quite a bit. Here are my reactions to this new information:

Traditional Scorpio Traits

“Determined and forceful”—Okay, okay. Yeah, I guess I’m determined. I didn’t take no for an answer when my friend told me I couldn’t have a cookie…I guess the forceful part came when I ninja chopped her in the shoulder…oops.

“Emotional and intuitive”—I cry often, like every three seconds, so that counts as emotional. Oh, and my intuition is top notch. I predicted the winning lottery numbers would be numbers. Everyone said letters, but I know how it goes down. Suck it everyone.

“Powerful and passionate”—Everyone says I should be president. So, power—check. And if I ever went back in time and met George Washington, I’d scream like a Justin Bieber fan girl and possibly lick his face. Now, if that isn’t passion for history, I don’t know what is.

“Exciting and magnetic”—I’m exciting. I do dangerous things, like jumping over four feet on my trampoline. Magnetic? Hm, so that’s why the silverware’s been sticking to me…

On the dark side… Oh, I have a dark side, how exciting and magnetic.

“Jealous and resentful”—Um, I guess I hate how pretty Rachel McAdams is…

“Compulsive and obsessive”—I do eat a lot of cereal. Does that count?

“Secretive and obstinate”—I like to think I’m a spy…and obstinate…oh, look at the astrology folks breaking out some vocab skills. You could have just said stubborn and then you’d have that nice alliteration thing going on.

Random quotes on who I am

“Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment.” –I could burst at any moment. BOOM!

“But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio.” –You’re getting very sleepy. Sleeeeeeeeeeepy.

“In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.” –You’re feeling naked and defenseless right now. My penetrating eyes are doing that. Don’t try to fight it.

“Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs.” –Alright, this is awkward.

“They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism.” –…

“Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, ‘star-crossed lovers’.” –Listen if you’re going to call me a sadist and say that my relationships will end violently, please learn that punctuation goes within quotes. ‘Star-crossed lovers.’ NOT ‘Star-crossed lovers’.

“Your ruling planet is Pluto.” –Great, I’m screwed. It isn’t a planet anymore.


Truth—LIES! I can’t handle the truth.

Hidden causes—I see, so I should be looking for charities under rocks…

Being involved—No, actually, I prefer to be ostracized.

Work that is meaningful—If my work involves me getting free ice cream, is that meaningful?

Being persuasive—I prefer it when no one listens to me.


Being given only surface data—I like that. High five for superficiality!

Taken advantage of—I enjoy this a lot. Con artists—call me, especially if you look like Neal Caffrey.

Demeaning jobs—They’re okay.

Shallow relationships—Totally.

Flattery and flattering—I don’t like to feel good about myself, so I don’t like others to feel good about themselves.

Thanks Astrology Online! Now I know all about myself. High five!

1 comment:

  1. I need to go to this site. I wish I knew myself as well as you know yourself! Sometimes I feel like the only iditot in my head. There's this shadowy figure wandering the hallways but I can't seem to meet her! COME TO ME MY OTHER SELF! LET ME KNOW YOU!

    Shallow relationships. HEll YES. Ha.