Chewed to Bits by Giant Turtles

Imagination Station:

Yes, this is actually real, which means guys
actually read this back in the day. 

I was inspired to write this story after seeing a vintage male magazine cover-

My name is Sterling Rambo. Manly, isn’t it? Well, that’s the point, ‘cause I’m a man, but not just any ordinary man, I’m a manly man. I wrestle lions—while naked. I strike manly poses at a moment’s notice, the kinds you see on those harlequin novels. I have abs…of steel! And, they’re covered in man hair of manly proportions. I smell of Old Spice. I can kill a giant monster with a blink of my eye. I give Gaston a run for his money. Well, more like a death defying sprint that he will lose! Grr. ‘Cause I’m a manly man.

Now, as any manly man will tell you, you need to flaunt how manly you are often. You can display your manly chest hair or display your mountainous biceps. However, these only momentarily give you the manly status. In order to achieve manly greatness, you must do a manly act—fight off giant, man-eating turtles—just like I did.

“Sterling, I hope you don’t mind that I showed up in a pencil skirt, paired with a tight, scarlet blouse and black patent stilettos. I thought it would be perfect swamp attire,” Candy Vixen purred. We were trudging through the Florida swamplands, which is a perfect place to go for a first date, so take note men. Every woman likes the smell of mud and decaying plant matter.

“It’s alright Candy. You still look sweet to me,” I raised my eyebrow in a sexy manner that made Candy weak in the knees. You see what I did there—yeah boys, that’s a pun. Chicks dig puns.

“Oh, why thank you Sterling Rambo. You’re so smooth,” She cooed.

“Yeah, I know, like sterling silver,” I turned so she could see my other good side, ‘cause every side of me is good. Yeah.

“Oh, Sterling,” She looked into my gorgeous chocolate brown eyes.

“Oh, Candy,” I pulled her close, kissing her. All of a sudden, she pulled back.

“Oh no Sterling! I’m being eaten alive by giant turtles!” She shrieked, “Oh, no! Hold on, let me suggestively unbutton my blouse so it increases the chances of you saving me. I couldn’t possibly fend off these creatures on my own. I’m a woman for heaven’s sake! That’s a man’s job. Oh, won’t you help me Sterling?”

“Of course I will Candy. Allow me to tear off my shirt first, so you can see my man muscles of manliness that are covered in man hair. Plus, it makes it look far more heroic if I save you while shirtless,” I ripped off my suit shirt.

Buttons went flying everywhere, knocking out some of the incoming giant turtles. Candy stood there, not moving, just screaming. Clearly, a man needed to handle this. Luckily for her, I’m a man.

I brought out my 10 inch dagger that I always carry around. You never know when a manly man must be manly. Danger can come at a moment’s notice. Luckily, I know when moment decides to post a notice, ‘cause I’m a man. And ‘cause I can read.

I pushed my way through the swamp ferns, killing off any giant turtle that came in my way. I showed them who was boss. Candy fainted in my muscular arms. I continued to fend off giant turtles, until I slayed the last one. Unfortunately, it was too late for Candy, but I almost saved her, ‘cause I’m a man. A manly man.