Dear U of M

Guest Writer:

To whom it may concern,

My name is Bartholomew. I am a senior at generic high school in City Town, USA. Since a very young age I have dreamed of attending the University of Michigan. My room has been swallowed whole in maize and blue since the fourth grade.

Today, however, my eyes may rest. The loud and annoying paraphernalia has been removed completely, and destroyed.

Generally, students write this time of year to express their ongoing interest in attending a university. My purpose is in fact the opposite.

I am disgusted at the way your institution’s admissions process is being run.  The spots should be awarded to the students most deserving, not simply the one who writes the prettiest e-mail, metaphorically connecting the campus to God’s pearly gates.

I have worked my entire life, despite the obstacles that have been put in my way. There are absolutely no grounds to deny me admission. My test scores are impressive and well above your averages. My GPA is spotless and filled with AP and Honors courses. My writing is phenomenal, and my abilities and ambitions as a student are unparalleled by any other.  Simply because I refuse to kiss the ground you walk upon, does not for a second mean I am ill-qualified to attend.

I am not the only one in this position. I have countless brilliant friends who are in the same position as I. They’ve been pining for admission from day one, yet for some reason have been unsuccessful.

I am not speaking for them, but I am absolutely finished with this process and with your university.  You have denied admission to some of the best and brightest and pushed away the students that can potentially improve our world.  You have upset, without grounds, the very people you claim to want at your sham of an institution. 

Unfortunately for you, I will most certainly not be attending the University of Michigan in the fall of 2011. I would much rather attend a university where my input is appreciated, my intelligence noticed, and I, as a person, am respected, instead of being recognized as an ATM with a number. 

The classes at U of M are gigantic, the professors careless. The environment is that of a diploma-mill, not one of a group of people who wish to learn.  Given the opportunity to re-do my entire application process, I would not even bother to apply. 

I could not be happier to be attending a rival school.

Good day,

Bartholomew

Sterling Rambo the 3D Movie Experience

Imagination Station:


Hello, my name is Sterling Rambo.  If you're a lady reading this, then I said that previous statement in a highly manly and seductive man voice.  If not, then I just said it in a manly man voice.

Given my high manly status in society, I'm having a movie made about me.  Well, sort of.  It's in production.  By production I mean a half written script on my desk.  Anyway, I'm hoping to get Steven or Martin to direct it.  You know, the top dogs in the movie industry.  They own the video store across the street and they also happen to own a camera.

So, as I'm writing this script about me battling intergalactic space zombies and saving extremely hot chicks with large boobs, I suddenly think to myself, "What songs are going to be in the movie?"  Now, I'm musically inclined, but how awesome and manly my music sounds... some people have died from how awesome it is.  It's a condition know as Soundmangasmus de Man Sound, or in in layman's terms "Soundmangasm of Man Sound that Also Happens to Kill Disorder."  I just wanted to serenade you Trixi  Hot Buns.  I never meant for it to kill you.  *dramatically sobs manly*

So, here's what I'm thinking for the movie soundtrack:

Here's what the opening credits will go along with:

Any club scene will play this song:

This is for the dramatic shed a tear moment in the movie:

This is for the fast paced fight scenes:

This is for the final slo-mo dramatic fighting scene:

This is for the end credits:

Prom Dilemma

OMG, I'm going to look so refined.  Totally.  Be
jealous, 'cause I'm pretty.  

Imagination Station:


Hi everyone.  My name is like Tiffany and I'm totally the most popular girl in the whole school, so there's a lot of pressure for me to stay pretty.  And like now that prom is just around the corner, everyone is expecting me to look like really cute... no, not cute.  Sorry.  Everyone is expecting me to look so hot that they feel less confident about themselves and so they can have yet another reason to worship me.

So, I got my dress yesterday and now I need some shoes to go with the dress, but I'm totally torn between these two totally awesome open toed shoes.  I like really need your help.

I went to the mall today with my BFFs and one of my frenemies (who totally thinks she's like the most popular, but is totally not because I have more Facebook friends and Twitter followers) and I saw two super cute shoes, like to-die-for kind of super cute shoes.

Now, I need to decide between those two shoes because I obviously cannot wear two different pairs of shoes to prom.  Like most people, I only have two foots okay.  And what I put on my two foots is important.  I can't walk in, and have people all be like, "OMG Tiffany, you look gorgeous... wait, what? OMG what fugly shoes.  Ew.  You can't be here.  You can't stay at prom.  You're banished!"

And then I'll be banished and have to wonder the streets cold and alone and end up in a forest somewhere and trip and fall down a giant canyon where I'll be attacked by a rabid squirrel.  I'm too pretty to have that happen.  That only happens to ugly geeks, not pretty people.

Here's the first shoe option.

Here's the other option.  

So, option number one is a red shoe to match exactly with my red dress.  I love the heart.  It's totally fun and cute and says "OMG, I'm like fun and cute, so be jealous ugly people.  LOLZ."  And best of all, the heart has been dipped in glitter, so when it hits the light, it's going to break it.  

The other option are these super sexy clear high heels that have a classy touch.  How much more classy can you get than dice and chips?  Not any classier.  They look really great on me and give me such a nice height boost.

Originally, I thought I could solve this problem real easy.  My mommy always told me that if the shoe fits, wear it, but both of them fit...  Anyway, here's the problem I face.  One shouts, "OMG, I'm like cool and fun and sweet."  The other shouts, "OMG, I'm totally sexy and classy and fierce."  So what look should I go for?  Should I follow my heart or my head?  Wait, do I even have a head?  Oh, I thought it was just called a face.  LOL.

Unicorns Poop Rainbows-Yes They Can

Imagination Station:

The video is actually real.

0:01- Okay, this video looks inspirational.  It feels inspirational.  It tastes inspirational.  It is inspirational.

0:12- Yeah man, break out that beautiful red, white, and blue. *sheds patriotic tear*

0:14- That doesn’t seem friendly.

0:17- OH, champagne… yummy.

0:24- Obama plays soccer?

0:29-0:30- Bastard.  How dare he take a break.  HOW DARE HE!!!!

0:36- Ew.  It’s a Jonas brother.

0:38- WTF?

0:41- Kansas, really?  What a horrible choice.  I would have gone with… some other basketball team… if I knew anything about basketball that is.

0:48- LIAR!  How can you even look at yourself in the mirror?

0:53- Obama’s lost my vote.

0:57- HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL HOLDING OYSTERS!  OBAMA’S RIDING A UNICORN THAT POOPS RAINBOWS!  HE’S GOT MY VOTE NOW :)