I Make an Ass Out of Myself Regularly

Reality:


I went to the Culture Show at my school last weekend and completely made an ass out of myself by almost stealing a baseball from a little kid.  Now, now, hold your horses.  I didn't trick this kid by telling him Elmo was behind him, while snatching this ball out of his hands.  I'm not that cruel.

So, my friend and I, who for privacy sake we will call Gertrude, decided since it was our senior year that we should go to our first Culture Show.  We bought our tickets, took our seats, and started chatting, when out of the corners of our eyes we saw a baseball about two aisles down, just rolling on the floor.

"Look, it's a baseball," Gertrude turns to me.

"Why is there a baseball?  That's odd," I say.

This bald guy with glasses sitting in the front row, gets up and grabs it.  He sits back down, holding the baseball above his head.  He asks if it's anyone's for about two minutes.  Just asks and asks.  No answer. No claim of ownership.

Then Gertrude leans in and whispers to me, "Oh, that's mine sir."  We share a chuckle about it.  She then nudges my arm, telling me that I should say that to the bald guy.

Now non-senior Julia would of been like "No, I can't do that," but senior Julia was like "Ah, what the hell.  Why not?"

Not my ball.

"Um, sir, that's my ball," I say.


He throws the ball to me.  The ball is at the peak of its trajectory in the air.  Of course, right then, a mother with three little kids (the oldest was maybe four) walks down the aisle.  The oldest boy runs towards the ball, and the mother says, "Oh look little [insert whatever the kid's name was], there's your baseball."

Gertrude busts out laughing.  I don't catch the ball, and it travels underneath some of the seats.  Now at this point, I'm completely embarrassed.  The mother is looking at me funny, so is the bald guy.  So, the mother and her gaggle of kids walks away, trying to find the baseball.  The bald guy sits down next to his wife and says to her "Now I'm really confused.  Was it the little boy's or that girl's?"

His wife of course answers him.

"I think it was the little boy's."

So, the bald guy turns around to look at me one more time with a look of disgust and shook.  I, feeling extremely guilty and embarrassed, tell him that it was just a joke.

He didn't respond.  So, that is yet another incident to log into the "How I've Made an Ass Out of Myself" journal, but I cannot be held responsible.  Gertrude made me do it.

Yoga

Imagination Station:


Welcome class, my name is Dandelion Skylark and I will be guiding you through today's practice.

Now walk to the front of the mat.  We will begin in a simple Mountain Pose.  Pretend you are Everest.  Stand proud and tall.  Fell like a string is pulling up your spine and the crown of your head.  Your shoulders are back and down.  Suck in that gut.  Now, let's just stay here for awhile in this pose.

Feel this pose.  Feel your breath.  Feel gravity pulling you down.  Feel this pose.  Caress it.  Love it.  Flirt with it.  Now tell it that you've grown complacent with this relationship.  Let it know that you feel like you don't know who it is anymore.  Tell it that you want to see other poses as you exhale down into a fold.

Pretend you are like a piece of paper folding in half.  Let's just breath here for a second.

HE HE WHO HE HE WHO

A nice, calming, relaxing breath.

HE HE WHO HE HE WHO

Now we will move into Swaying Tree Pose.  Roll your body up one vertebrae at a time.  Place your arms into the air like you are reaching to give the sky a big old hug.  Now rock slowly back and forth.  You are a tree, swaying in the gale force winds of a steady summer's breeze.  You are in a forest, in a beautiful national park until some evil, greedy corporate assholes come and decide "Oh tree, you don't need to be a tree.  You need to be paper."  So they whip out a chainsaw and they begin to cut into your stump and all the other trees are crying and you're crying and your blood of maple syrup is spilling everywhere as you scream "Oh God, why?  Why me?"  And then these douche bags pull a total dick move and are all like "Die bitch die.  MU HA HA HA!  I have destroyed nature!"

Now continue swaying and move into Hello Sun Pose.  Reach both of your hands out an wave hello to the sun.  Greet the sun.

Hello sun.

Now greet the sunshine.

Hello sunshine.

Exhale as you go into another fold.  As your palms touch the floor, say hello to the ground.

Hello ground.

Say hello to the soil.

Hello soil.

Thank the soil for growing things.

Thank you soil for growing things like carrots, which are tasty.  But no thank you to tomatoes.  Those are gross.

Don't worry if you split your pants.
Yoga is about the natural flow of things.
Better yet, just don't wear pants. 

Now come down on the mat and move into Turtle Pose.  Begin by stretching your arms and legs.  Now slowly flap your arms and legs down.  You are a turtle.  A cute, little sea turtle, swimming in the sea, just enjoying the serenity and peace of nature.  That is until you mistake a piece of plastic for fish and you gobble it up, but it's too big for your throat, so you viciously and slowly choke to death, fully aware of the last moments of your life all because some dipshit decided to be all like "Fuck trashcans, that's what the ocean's here for... Bitch."

Now take some deep, calming breaths in.  Come back to Mountain Pose.  Stay in Mountain Pose.  Listen to the sound of your calming breath.

HE HE WHO HE HE WHO

Let that rhythm wash over you as you think about tightening and then relaxing all the muscles in your body.  Clasp your hands in prayer.

Thank you for joining me on this workout and spiritual experience.

Namaste.

Fight Fight Fight

Imagination Station:


Matt, our lead character walks into his sociology class a minute late, eager to share a story.

MATT: Wow dudes, did you hear there was a fight in the locker bank today?

Will comes strolling in behind him and slams his binders on the nearest desk.  His face turns red while he screams.


WILL: Yeah dude, this is officially the best day of my life!  It was so awesome!  OMG!  BEST. DAY. EVER!  Freakin' sweet!

Will takes a seat while Nicole looks up in surprise. 

NICOLE: What?  There was a fight?  Where?  OMG, how did I miss it?

WILL: Okay, here's what happened.  First, this girl comes up to this other girl.  This girl, who we will name Helen, goes up to this other girl, who we'll call Ashley, and is all like "Girl, oh no you didn't text my man last night.  I'm gonna cut you."  And then Ashley looks at her and snaps her fingers and is all like "Well bring it, because I happen be a black belt, so I'll chop your ass in half and then I'll shank you with a chopstick."

MATT:  No, no, no, you've got it all wrong.  So this girl Helen walks up to Ashley and then just slaps her, and Ashley turns around and says, "Dude, wtf?"  And then Helen says, "I just felt like doing something completely unnecessary."  Ashley throws her binder at Helen's face and says, "How's this for unnecessary?"  And they get into a huge fight.  I'm talkin' epic proportions.

NICOLE: Cat fight.

EMILY: What are you talking about Matt?  You're so stupid.  That's not what happened at all.  Ashley called Helen fat, and then Helen attempted to sit on Ashely to smother her to death.

WILL:  Guys, guys, listen up.  I just got a text from someone who was in the back of the crowd watching the fight.  Apparently one of the girls got tased.

NICOLE: WHAT?  O. M. G.

WILLIS:  Yeah man, she totally did.  I was walking by when the fight started.  They were pulling each other's hair and what not, and the lady security guard comes up, whips out the taser and tases one of the girls.  So this girl's shaking, because she's got electricity running through her, and her hair standing up like she's the bride of Frankenstein, and the security guard just starts laughing.

Willis poorly imitates an arch-villian's laugh.


EUGENE: What'cha talkin' bout Willis?  That sure as my momma's biscuits did not happen.

WILLIS:  Well your momma's biscuits suck ass.

EUGENE:  Well yo momma's fat and ugly... and stupid too.

RITA:  Listen, she didn't get tased.  The fight was about a guy, and one of the girls died.

NICOLE: Are you for real?

RITA:  Yeah,  I saw Helen rip off the horn of a unicorn that happened to be standing right behind her.  Then she took the horn and stabbed Ashley with it.  It was horrible.  I don't know how they're going to get that unicorn's rainbow blood out of the carpet.  That stuff stains.

NICOLE:  Not a unicorn.  This sucks.

WILL:  She died?  How did I not see that?  Not cool.  NOT COOL!

EUGENE: That's whack.

MATT:  You didn't see that dude because it didn't happen.  Rita is a liar.  Oh look, do you see smoke?  I do, because her pants are on fire.

RITA: You're an idiot.

CATHERINE:  Clearly you people did not see the fight.  First off, Helen was upset with Ashley because Ashley stole her AP Quantum Physics project and passed it off as her own.  Do you people have any idea how difficult it is to clone a blue whale?  No, I think not.  So Helen calmly approached Ashley with an ultimatum; she was to turn herself in for cheating or face public humiliation by being exposed in front of the whole science community as a fraud.  So, they played a game of chess to decide what would happen.  It was bloody.  Helen sacrificed her queen way too soon.

WILL: No, you're wrong.  I like the unicorn story, so sit down and shut up and I don't appreciate your all high and mighty-ness.  Stabbed by a unicorn.  End of story.

THE END

History in a Nutshell (Not literally)

Imagination Station:


I know many of my friends are going to be taking the APUSH exam in May, and given that I've taken it before, I decided to provide a little study help.  Here are some videos to help you understand history and that you can reference in your APUSH essays:

American Revolution:

Alexander Hamilton:

Jacksonian Democracy:

Civil War:

Immigration:

Vietnam:

Cold War:

Now you know everything for the APUSH test.  You're welcome.