Why I Missed School Today

Imagination Station:

Now, I figured I’d just tell the truth given that I’m like good ol’ honest Franklin Pierce—I cannot tell a lie. And I also wanted to avoid vague generalizations involving past reasons I’ve been absent, such as:


“I had too much awesome in my bowl of Lucky Charms that I had this morning, and it gave me a tummy ache.”

“I actually got the sniffles from being too awesome. Don’t worry. It’s not contagious.”

“I got attacked by a squirrel.”

So, here is the real reason I was absent:

It all started with the munchies.

So, I wake up, alarm blaring, and I open my iTunes library to listen to some tunes. There I am, jammin’ out, breakin’ out the old school moves, shakin’ what my momma gave me, and then I think to myself “OMG, I should make some eggs for breakfast.”

I walk out of my room and over to the kitchen. I open up the stainless steel fridge, and what do I find? No eggs. So, I’m sittin’ there like “WTF? How am I supposed to make eggs without eggs?”

I’ve been on an all natural kick lately, so I grab my coat and decide to go find some wild chickens that lay wild eggs. Simple enough, I mean Bear Grills and Les Stroud make it look easy.

Well guess what folks, that shit is hard.

So, I grab my coat and start walking.

There I am walking down the sidewalk next to the street and I pass by Whole Foods and that’s when it hits me—you are never gonna find wild eggs around here Julia, duh. So, I decide to go into the woods.

Now, it just gets weird up in those woods.

I’m forging and bein’ all survivor and shit and out of nowhere this homicidal unicorn pops out of these rainbow colored bushes.

“Move out of my way,” the unicorn says. It didn’t even say please. Unicorns are pricks.

So, I sit there, snap my fingers, and throw an “Oh no you didn’t” back in this rude ass unicorn’s face. And I’m about cut a bitch at this point because I want some eggs. I’m cravin’ those all eight essential amino acids packed in one little round oval of awesomeness.

Now, I’m about to whip out my pocketknife and show this unicorn who’s boss, when a giant dragon lands right behind me and is all like “Unicorn, you me, let’s dance.”

I get out of the way because I don’t need to get into magical dragon-unicorn drama/gang warfare. So, I walk away from them and continue looking for my eggs. I never found them. It was sad. I had to eat pancakes.

Oh, and in that same day, I wrestled a bear, reeled in an angler fish, and I also pwned a seven year old at hop-scotch—yeah, suck it little Suzie. Bitch thinks she can start somethin’ and not finish it. I showed her.

And my dog ate my homework.

So you see, that’s why I couldn’t turn in that sonnet I was supposed to write…

Scientists conclude 'yellow snow is not pee'

Imagination Station:

SIBERIA—“Yellow snow is not pee,” Dr. Walter T. Furtler said in a press conference on Feb. 27.

The bombshell was dropped after twenty years of research on the correlation between yellow snow and pee by the Yellow Snow Institute.

“My mommy always told me not to eat yellow snow,” Timmy Fox, an eight year old Siberian boy said. “But now I can eat it? I’m so confused.”

This should now read "Do eat yellow snow!  It's probably
just lemonade!!!!! YAY!!!"

Furtler, as well as other leading scientists contend that the majority of yellow snow is not pee.

“We found in much of our research that only about .01 percent of yellow snow contained urine,” Furtler said. “I understand why this could come as a shock to many people. We’ve all been taught, myself included, not to eat yellow snow, but you can eat it. We are breaking social norms.”

Yellow snow eating has been deemed safe by the US Surgeon General Dick Ingel given the recent scientific research results.

“Yellow snow is safe to eat,” Ingel said. “Most likely the yellow snow is yellow because somebody put food coloring on it or spilled lemonade.”

Food coloring caused 30 percent of the yellow snow, while spilled lemonade attributed to 85 percent of the yellow snow, according to Furtler.

“Lemonade is a popular winter drink,” Furtler said. “One minute you’re walking along, enjoying a tart drink, the next minute your face is on the ground and your lemonade has created yellow snow. It’s the miracle of science.”

Shaved ice vendors across the country are rejoicing about 'the miracle of science.'

“Do you realize how easy that makes my job now?” Laz Yass said. “All I have to do now is go outside and scoop out yellow snow and I can sell that stuff. Who doesn’t want yellow snow now? I’m not disputing that science.”

Furtler doesn’t expect his findings disputed by the professional community either.

“It makes sense,” Furtler said. “Honestly, what’s the likelihood that yellow snow is actually peed on snow… slim to none. A lemonade spillage is far more likely. So, go forth and eat yellow snow.”

Adobe InDesign



Happy InDesign- "Air freshner that
sparys?  Oh my God, this the happiest
day of my life."



Reality:

Warning, there is foul mouth language.



Adobe InDesign. Sometimes in the newspaper room, we have problems with technology. Sometimes InDesign is all like “Hellz yeah, let’s get this layout done, ‘cause imma boss.” Then, other times it’s all like “What the hell? I’m not a design software program that’s supposed to aid you in creating a layout. Who exactly do you think I am? Adobe InDesign? Psssh. Fuck that shit.”

Adobe InDesign is like a PMSing housewife, and she’s baking a pie.

Adobe InDesign has a husband (probably the equally moody Adobe Photoshop), and she’s making the pie for him, because he had a hard day at work not opening picture files or sharpening too much and pixelating the image. Tough stuff.



InDesign lovingly prepares an apple pie for Photoshop. She went to the orchard to pick fresh apples and she turned the butter herself after milking the cows in the backyard. She hummed Limp Bizkit’s “Break Stuff” as she kneaded and caressed the dough that she prepared by hand. No canned or boxed stuff here. All natural. She cut and washed the apples. She used a protractor to help her create a perfect criss-cross pattern at the top of the pie.



She sets the timer and places the pie in the oven, after pre-heating the oven of course, because she’s a good housewife. The timer buzzes and she opens the oven, flooding the air with the smell of homemade apple pie. She sniffs it and sighs.



“Oh, how lovely it looks,” she says to herself, flashing a smile as she slips cute, pastel oven mitts on her delicate hands.

She pulls out the pie and lets it rest on the counter. Right then, Photoshop comes home.

“I’m home,” Photoshop calls, plastering a wide grin on his face.


“Oh honey,” she runs to him and they embrace.



Cute right?

She tells him that she’s baked some pie for him, and he thanks her with a peck on the cheek. They go over to the dinning room. She retrieves a slice of pie for him and pours a glass of milk for him.

“Got to keep my hunky husband’s bones nice and strong,” she smiles.

He takes a bite of the pie, letting out a satisfied “yum.”

“Honey, this is delicious,” he continues eating.

“Thank you dear, I worked all day on it,” she continues smiling.

“But…”

“But?” she now frowns.

“The pie is great, but I was more in the mood for blueberry pie.”

Awkward silence. Then, InDesign rips off her apron and throws it at Photoshop.

“What the fuck do you mean but? ‘I was in the mood for blueberry pie.’ Well, I’m in the mood for breaking your fucking face tonight. Huh? How do you like them apples, or should I say mother fucking blueberries you son of a bitch.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Yeah, that’s right you little punk ass. Be sorry. You know what?”

“What?”

She slaps him.

“That’s what. Bitch. Oh, whatcha gonna do now? Huh? Huh? I want a divorce. I never liked you anyway. How can I live with some douche bag who wants fucking blueberries or some motherfucking awesomely epic apple fucking pie? Bitch. And your mother’s fat.”



“Ok.”

She storms out of the house screaming expletives at the top of her lungs. She reaches the curb, where a little boy stopped on his bike.

 

Angry InDesign- "Eat this Bitch."



“You said a bad word,” he says. And this kid is like five by the way.

She doesn’t say anything. She beats the crap out of him; the cops come; she gets arrested; there’s a trial; she’s convicted of assault; she goes to prison.


She’s the prison’s lunch lady now. She made blueberry pie for the inmates. One of them wished for apple instead. She grabbed a filed down spatula and shanked that inmate… in the eye.

That’s InDesign.



 



Best Rap Eva

Imagination Station:
Be jealous yo

Yo

Yo

Yo

Word

Word

For real

Word

I’m makin’ millions for real

And all the peeps in the hood

They know it’s all good

‘Cause I gots grillz in my teeth and in my yard

And then I’m gonna be grillin’ them hot dogs

And eatin’ them

‘Cause that’s what a gangsta does

This a real rap

Yo

Yo

Yo

Word

Word

*awkward crotch grap*

For real

Word

*pullin’ up my pants*

When I’m up in the club

You know I be dancin’ wit some hoes for sure

‘Cause you know how it is when it is where it is

Yeah diggy dawg

Woof Woof

My bite is as bad as my bark byotches

Yo

Yo

Yo

Word

Word

For real

*reversin’ my baseball cap*

Word

For shizzle my nizzle up in the hizzle dizzle

Before I bust a cap up in here

For rizzle drizzle fizzle

I’m so gansta and wit it

All you other homies ain’t

Why? ‘Cause I said so

Whatcha gonna do about it?

Yo

Yo

Yo

*slow-mo shot of me nodding to the beat*

Word

Word

For real

Word

You know what it is how it is when it is where it is at

It’s at yo momma’s house

Oh, burn home skillet

Tsssssssssss

Yo

Yo

Yo

Word

Word

For real word

Peace out homies, peeps, and my diggy dawgs

Word out

And holla at yo momma for me

Yeah